What is Hessian Studies?

Hessian Studies is the academic study of Hessians, Bangers, Metallians, Metalheads, death rockers, and other adherents to the genres of metal and grindcore. The Hessian Studies Department believes that any truly diverse multicultural population will contain representatives of this world-wide underground culture, with its rich and spanning historical and social contributions.

What are the aims of the Hessian Studies Department?

The Hessian Studies Department seeks to establish a presence of Hessians on campuses and in society as well as to create a comfortable environment in academia that suits the specific needs of Hessians pursuing higher education. To this end, we have presented a List of Demands:

1. That there be Hessians hired to faculty and staff positions at colleges and universities, and that all hair length rules and any form of drug policy regarding Hessians be abrogated, as Hessians have a religious need for some currently-regulated substances.

2. That there be a Hessian Studies Center, complete with both audio and textual libraries and lounge area, for the study and advancement of Hessians, at every educational institution in the land.

3. That community radio stations play Hessian music during prime time.

4. That discrimination against Hessians as a group of drug-addicted, drunken, long-haired incompetent losers destined for parole at best be eradicated from public literature and mindset.

6. That there be Hessian cultural events, including concerts by noted Hessian bands and festivals related to various organic products enjoyed by Hessians.

7. That National Hessian Studies Centers be funded to provide late-night pizza and beer snack breaks, as well as the study and advocacy of metal music and culture.

8. That Hessians be given equal time to speak at multicultural events, and the right to develop their own curriculum of Hessian Studies Courses.